JANUARY 7

AFTER sitting through it for 100 minutes last night, could someone please explain to me what I ever saw in Event Horizon?

JANUARY 6

FINDING a book like this is a Godsend for two reasons - 1) it's great for a laugh, and b) it makes for a good an easy update. So here we go...

We kick off with this gore-fest which is described as shrimp creole. According to the recipe the parsley ring adds a simple touch of glamour to the dish, in much the same way as a neon license-plate frame adds a simple touch of glamour to a 1991 Honda Civic. And it took me a while to realise that the salt and pepper pots are not filled with gestating alien fetuses but just painted to look like they're filled with gestating alien fetuses.

Bill and Mary invite you over for dinner one night. Mary answers the door and lets you in. Drinks in hand you survey tonight's feast. You ask where Bill is. Mary gives a nervous little smile and glances at the table. And then you realise.

I'm trying to understand where the art director was coming from with this photo. "OK... I've got the cheese soufflé, the grater, the whisk, the cheese... what else? [snaps fingers] Of course! The broken eggshell! Genius!"

Tens of millions of people eat chicken curry every day but as this is an American book it's in the "Fancy Foods" chapter. Somewhere in India a housewife is reading a cookbook which has a section on such exotic delicacies as cheeseburgers and ranch dressing.

"Honey, do we have anything I can use to garnish these pale undercooked lumps of meat?"

"Sure! What about some of those yellow triangles of wet flab we've had in the fridge for a couple of weeks?"

"Perfect!"

This is described as "Corned Beef Bake with Lettuce Wedges and French Dressing". Note that the lettuce has been relegated to a slight glimpse in the upper-right corner as not to offend the sensibilities of red-blooded American men. Remember - ONLY COMMIES EAT GREENS!

This is "jazzy beef stew". Apparently it's vital to use the right kind of oil to achieve the perfect flavour. From the photo I'd say the "right kind of oil" has been drained from an Austin Metro that hasn't been serviced since 1982.

Jesus Christ we have to slice Frank up now? When will this horror end?

Mexico takes on Italy in this chili-pasta concoction which looks like it's been garnished with rabbit poo.

This is a jumbo cornburger. Ever wondered how the American healthcare system makes so much money? Now you know.

As someone (mentioning no names, Ev) threw out the pages after I scanned them I can't remember what this dish is. I mean, I know it's waffles, everyone can see it's waffles, but what the hell is in that sauce she's pouring over them? And why are they being served with burnt peaches?

This must be from the chapter on cooking with carburettors. "Use only Castrol GTX for the best results when deep-frying your neighbours. AND DON'T TOUCH THE VEG, COMMIE!"

JANUARY 4 - LATER

IN WHAT is possibly a new record for Charter Communications and whichever Chinese sweatshop makes their crappy equipment, our new HD DVR cable box packed up a scant SEVEN HOURS after being installed this afternoon. Someone is coming on Tuesday morning to replace it. I might ask him to hang around a couple of hours in case the new box gives up the ghost.

JANUARY 4

TODAY I finally plucked up the courage to have a go at cleaning the mirror and sensor of my Rebel XT with the kit Ev got me for Christmas. I've been a bit worried about giving it a go as one scratch on either component and I'll be back to using Ev's point-and-shoot Fuji.

Here's what you get in the box. At the top is the instruction manual (which is covering the battery pack) and below are, left, the sensor scope and cleaning fluid; centre, the sensor vac; and right, the cleaning wands.

My XT sans front cap and with its mirror locked up so I can access the sensor.

The first thing to do is see how dirty the sensor actually is. The sensor scope fits onto the lens mount and four bright white LEDs illuminate the inside of the camera body so you can see how much dust and other crap is in there.

Here's a view through the scope with the LEDs lit. I can't remember if this is the sensor or the mirror, but you get the idea. Now you know where the dust and other bits are, you can get it with the sensor vac.

Here's the vac attached to its battery pack. It can also be powered from a USB port and has a superbright LED so you can see what you're doing while arsing around in your $800 camera.

In goes the vac. It has a soft brush tip which is supposed to be mirror- and sensor-safe but I'm not going to risk it. The vac is designed to remove the majority of contaminants before you use the wands and cleaning fluid.

After vac'ing the camera's interior it's time for the cleaning swabs. After putting a drop or two of solution on the end you have to stroke it once to clean off the sensor, and then repeat for the mirror. Note the instructions on the right - possibly the only time in my life I've bothered with a manual.

This is a view of the mirror - the small rectangles are the focusing dots that appear in the viewfinder. I gave the mirror a once-over with the cleaning wand and then put the lens back on. There's still a small hair in the camera but as it's not showing up on photos I'm not too bothered about it. All in all the sensor kit is a great tool and pretty to use. At least I won't be so nervous about cleaning it next time.

JANUARY 3 (LATER)

SOME more coin photos:

A two pence coin. I cleaned this one up a bit with cider vinegar and scouring powder but didn't want it to be too shiny as that would make it a pain in the arse to light. The camera's done a pretty good job of capturing its warm colour.

Another Welsh pound coin, this one displaying a leek which is one of our national emblems along with the daffodil and the dragon.

A close-up of the coronet surrounding the base of the leek. I couldn't quite get the sharpness I managed last time so this image is softer than I hoped. And I've just noticed it's not quite straight. Bugger.

I cleaned one fifty-pence coin but it became too shiny to photograph decently so I used this dirtier one.

Here's a detail shot of Britannia. She's appeared on British coins since Roman times.

JANUARY 3

I MAY be going out on a limb here...

...but I'd say the driver of this superbly-parked car...

is a) female, b) old, or c) both.

HERE we are only 10 days from Christmas and two days after the New Year and Target's already filled its shelves with Valentine's Day tat. At this rate the Fourth of July stuff should be on sale in March.

JANUARY 2

WHILE having a bit of a cleanup after Christmas I came across a Welsh pound coin and decided to give it the macro treatment.

I also found the CD that came with my Rebel XT and installed the remote control software on my Acer. Now I can set almost every aspect of the camera's settings - aperture, mode, shutter speed and so on - from the notebook without having to touch the camera itself and risk moving it once I've got the subject positioned and lit in the frame.

A closer look at the dragon. I know I'm biased but we really are top of the heap for national emblems. Anyway, the coin is lit by two mini Maglight penlights resting on the kitchen counter on opposite sides of the coin and pointing in its general direction.

It's amazing how much detail the macro lens (the Canon 50mm f/2.5) picks up. I'm going to take more shots over the weekend and continue to play around with the lighting.