frequently questioned answers

I'VE been in the States since March 2004 yet the questions I get asked never fail to astound me. So I decided to put a section on Planet Mut listing the answers I usually give out. It's up to you to work out the questions. Here are the first 30, and I have no doubt I'll be adding more.

1. Yes, we have turkeys in Britain. And we didn't have to massacre an indigenous population to get them.

2. I don't know, I'm not English.

3. I would think they celebrate Hallowe'en in Australia. But I'm British.

4. It's small, green, damp, and I miss it.

5. You only won because of the French Navy.

6. True, but we've never had to declare our independence from anyone.

7. At least we aren't responsible for McDonald's.

8. Our TV is better. It has tits on it. And swearing.

9. We had the Beatles.

10. No, I haven't met the Queen.

11. Not really, she died in 1603.

12. There are very few red phone boxes left in Britain. The ones you saw in that Hugh Grant film are props.

13. No, I speak English. You speak some odd dialect.

14. I have no idea how you become a dame.

15. Winning the Grand Slam.

16. Beating England in Cardiff.

17. Beating England in Wembley.

18. It's a small island off the coast of Sardinia.

19. That was the finest Pakistani accent I've ever heard.

20. Yes, we have ATMs. We also have phones, TV and electricity.

21. We have rednecks, but we call them chavs.

22. It's not perfect, but it is free.

23. I don't know, I'm not from New Zealand.

24. It's a beer. They sponsor the team.

25. I'm adopted, so discovering my real parents are English.

26. Wales is close to England. Too bloody close.

27. I'm not telling you what it means. Look it up.

28. I don't watch it.

29. It's like a conveyor belt of turds.

30. No, it was a Scottish bloke.