November 30, 2003

THERE is a country across the water that's featured in this column many, many times. And guess what? It's back.

Apparently, 23 per cent of this country's inhabitants believe the haggis is a real creature and is hunted for sport in Scotland. Then again, 28 per cent of them can't find their own country on a globe, so should we be surprised?

But are they right? Maybe haggis hunting is one of Scotland's secrets, along with good weather, non-alcoholic whisky and generosity. So say a big hello to Save the Haggis Campaign (flyinghaggis.co.uk/haggis/haggis.htm). Everything you ever wanted to know about haggises (haggi?) is here, including their history, breeding, how to hunt them and how to cook them.

Now, I’m a big food fan (“big” is the operative word here – I have T-shirts that look like someone’s painted Robert Smith directly onto my chest) but even I balk at the idea of eating a haggis. On the other hand, I’ve survived 31 years of my mum’s cooking, and I am dead the minute she reads this.

You can also join the “Save the Haggis” campaign in order to preserve this rare and shy creature. Let’s face it, it’s a worthy cause. After all, why should the Yanks get to hunt them? I’ve joined, on condition I can bring my own baseball bat.

Another site dedicated to the haggis is Haggis: The Truth? (ccsinverness.co.uk/haggis.html). This guy claims to have decoded the “Ancient Scrolls of Hagyrr” to learn their history and secrets, and whatever he’s taking, I want some. Haggises (haggi?) evolved in Scotland, apparently, and were small roundish creatures. Can you believe I get paid to write this column? Neither can I.

These sites are great. I have no doubt that people read them and believe them. Tongue-in-cheek is the phrase to use here, and they’re well worth a read. But why should the Jocks have all the fun? After all, the Welsh drink Brains and the English talk crap, so where's our websites?

AS YOU'RE all aware by now, I know next to nothing about sport. Let's face it, in my case "next to" means "on the negative side". But as I was the only member of the sportsdesk to pick England as the winners of the World Cup, I'd just like to take this opportunity to say MMWWWAAAAHAHAHA!