May 30, 2004

AS I sat in my plush leather chair the other day, sipping a chilled margarita and watching dusky maidens wash my Ferrari until it gleamed in the tropical sun, I suddenly realised I’d dozed off in front of my PC again and had to write this column. Bugger.

So, my little plum duffs, this week we’ll be looking at the magnificence that is the All-American Soap Box Derby. Remember when you were a nipper and your dad made you a go-kart out of a couple of planks of wood and a box you’d "rescued" from the local building site, along with some pram wheels and a bit of string to steer it? I do, and I still have the scars to prove it. Anyway, trust the Americans to make a championship out of it. And, being based in America and involving only American teams, it obviously becomes the World Championship.

The All-American Soap Box Derby (aasbd.org – and remember, that’s "derby" to rhyme with "kerby") started life in 1933 and is a major event if you’ve got a go-kart. The modern go-karts are a world removed from the one I had, but then again so was the jeep that came with my Action Man. These are hi-tech, lightweight racing machines, designed to get from start to finish as quickly as possible and deliver the young driver safely to the end of the track. Which, in my opinion, takes half the fun out of it.

The “World” Championships take place in Akron, Ohio, in July each year. You’re left in no doubt that this is a serious competition as it’s an initiative of NASCAR, so no doubt mullets and oily T-shirts are mandatory. And there’s this statement on the AASBD’s site: "Upon their arrival, each of the young champions is whisked into Akron with a police escort." Police escort? Is one of the younger Bin Ladens taking part this year?

If you fancy the thrill of shooting down a 960ft track in something that resembles a fiberglass coffin on wheels, take a look at the order form for kit parts. The karts are dead cheap to make – but, like the dog Frisbee championships, is this the kind of thing that’s been bylawed out of existence?