december 14, 2003

IT'S that time of the week again, boys and girls, so take my hand as we wander through the magic land that is the World Wide Wait. Bear in mind I’m writing this while on holiday in California, which either proves my dedication to the job (pay rise, hint hint) or that I need stronger medication.

For today's exercise in salary justification, we're taking a look at the unsung heroes of soccer: the commentators. Why is it that grown men lose all knowledge of the English language when confronted by 22 blokes kicking a ball around a field? Doubtless there are teams of highly-paid scientists working round the clock to solve this, although I wish they'd do something useful like discovering where all your odd socks go or why my mum is incapable of making gravy like my nan did.

If you want some classic examples in the school of "what the hell is he on about?" then you can't do much worse than having a shufty the ancient art of Ronglish (www.ronglish.com) for gems of wisdom from the likes of Keegan, Atkinson (not Rowan, unfortunately), Hoddle and other purveyors of twisted English such as "The eiderdown of this 2-0 lead is a lot more comfortable than the blanket of 1-0". That one’s courtesy of George Hamilton. What a Hollywood actor was doing commentating on soccer is beyond me, but hey, don’t shoot the messenger.

One of the highlights has to be the 11-step course on how to speak like Ron Atkinson, taking you from the relative sanity of "spotter’s badge" and "lollipop" to the not-for-the-fainthearted of "Hollywood ball" and "in captivity". The lessons even include examples of how Mrs Ron might incorporate phrases into everyday life, such as: "Well I never, Ron. You've been watching cartoons if you think I'm going to wear that."

There’s a special section on the 2002 World Cup which doles out awards to the finest guffs made in the course of duty, with FiveLive’s Chris Waddle informing listeners that "the Swedish back four is amongst the tallest in the World Cup. Their average age is seven foot four" and Sir Bobby of Robson’s classic on Brazil: "There will be a game where somebody scores more than them and that might be the game that they lose". Genius.