August 1, 2003

APOLOGIES to both my fans for my absence last week. The stresses of reviewing websites dedicated to squirrel-fishing and wife-carrying finally took their toll and I had to return to my homeworld to have my brain defragged. Luckily for both my readers (your cheques are in the post), Mr Julian Cooper kindly wrote the column last week, for which I apparently owe him fifty quid and the soul of my first-born son. Can't say fairer than that, eh?

Anyway, on to this week's site. Polo is a game mainly played by people who live in the Home Counties, have hyphens in their names and own Range-Rovers. But I think I can safely say they don't have elephants. The World Elephant Polo Association (elephantpolo.com) however, does, and it isn't afraid to use them. The site's undergoing an upgrade at the moment, so not everything's working, but it's well worth checking out all the same. To play this game you need eight elephants. Where you'd get these in Surrey is beyond me, but I think it's safe to say they're fairly common in Nepal. They also have a pool of elephants you can choose from, so it's a fair bet the big one with glasses is always the last to be picked (and why am I having flashbacks to school dinnertimes?).

You can have substitutes, and let's face it we'd all pay to hear John Motson saying: "And as Dumbo receives treatment, Barbar's warming up on the touchline..." God knows, it must be terrifying if you're the ref. All you'd need is the pachyderm version of Roy Keane doing a wobbly and they'd be scraping you up with a toothbrush. Worse still, imagine the Ginola version diving all over the shop, and how the hell do you explain the offside rule to an elephant? And finally (hooray! I hear you cry) I would imagine the pitch must be knackered afterwards. Remember the famous Blue Peter incident? Multiply it by eight and you get some idea of why groundsman is the hardest job to fill in this league. . .

EAST meets west in the best possible way. Go here: http://www.robhoran.com/videos/Video_Play.asp?Video_ID=345 for a video of kung-foo football. Betcha missed me, didn't you?