SEPTEMBER 30

EV'S ongoing efforts to turn our apartment into a refuge for spacker cats took another giant leap forward when she brought Clark, her nan's cat, back to the flat while her nan's visiting relatives. The practical upshot of this is that Emric is making the kind of noises you usually hear in Alien films, Clark is hiding behind the DVD rack and Madoc... well, Madoc is as thick as ever.

Frankly, as long as I don't stagger out of bed in the morning to be confronted by the sight of Emric taking a piss in the bathroom sink at 8am like I did last week, I couldn't care less what they do. I have enough problems to cope with at the mo, like having to drive past half a dead dog on my way to work every day or trying to explain the concept of a soft-boiled egg to my editor.

And I'm mystified as to why we're a day away from October yet it was 102 degrees in Glendale today. To cap it all, the fires that started way north of work have now worked their way to Burbank, meaning the relatively easy day I thought I'd have tomorrow (ie being in the office for less than 12 hours) could well be out the window. Bugger.

And on a final note, I thought I'd seen every possible insane sight on California's roads, but driving up the 710 wondering why the middle lane's stopped and realising it's because a homeless guy is walking up the freeway is surely the winner at this point. It even beat the sight of a passenger at lights picking her nose, giving the snot a thorough investigation and flicking it out the window. Money may get you an Escalade, love, but it won't get you class.

SEPTEMBER 19

THE rainy season has arrived early here in Southern California. This means two things: 1) Everyone complains about the strange moisture falling from the sky, and 2) Everyone forgets how to drive.

After passing three crashes on the way home last night, it's dawned on me that Californians aren't taught to drive, they're shown how to point the car in the right direction and are then left to get on with it. Nothing else can explain the displays of spackerdom I witness daily on the way to and from work. So here's a quick test for all you Californian "drivers" who are reading this.

1. You're on the freeway and it's raining heavily. Which of the following should you NOT do?

a) Turn on your lights;

b) Slow down;

c) Put your wipers on;

d) Do 90mph while programming the number of some tart you met in a bar last night into your PDA.

2. Which of these is the correct stopping distance when driving at 60mph in rain?

a) 300 feet;

b) 500 feet;

c) 700 feet;

d) Six inches.

3. Which of these devices can help prevent you crashing in wet weather?

a) Four-wheel drive;

b) ABS;

c) Rain-activated wipers;

d) Eighteen-inch spinners and rear lights the strength of a dying candle.

4. You're driving on the 710 freeway at night when your car breaks down. Which is the most important piece of equipment you can have in your car?

a) A cellphone;

b) A torch;

c) A first-aid kit;

d) A $500 Gucci make-up bag.

If you answered "d" to any of the above, you deserve to be removed from the gene pool as rapidly as possible. Now for a final bonus question:

5. Which of the following is illegal?

a) Driving at 90mph while talking on a cellphone;

b) Having 200 gigawatt spotlights on the front of your car;

c) Reading a book / map / text message while driving;

d) Riding a bicycle down the wrong side of the street at night with no lights.

Trick question. NONE of the above is illegal.

SEPTEMBER 15

WELL, everything's been going pretty normally for the past week or so. Work's going OK, so's the car, and Emric's been taking regular dumps in the bathroom sink. I have photographic evidence of this, but I'll only get a load of complaints if I put it up.

About the only excitement was the Great LA County Power Cut of 2005, which happened on Tuesday. I got to work to be discover all the servers in downtown LA were out, so we couldn't do anything. Not wanting to waste the opportunity, I went for a fag and came back up to the office just in time to see the lights go out. Great. Then we discovered our editor was stuck in the elevator and was more worried about getting a reporter out to get the story. Unfortunately no one knew her number as they're all on the computers and the power's out and even if it wasn't the servers are down. Fantastic. And we can't hear each other speak for all the car horns blaring outside 'cos the traffic lights are out.

Twenty minutes later the power comes back on and we discover the blackout's affected Glendale, Burbank, LA, in fact most of the county, although Anaheim escaped. Turns out it was caused by - get this - a maintenance worker cutting the wrong wire. I guess we're lucky he's not in the bomb disposal squad.

SEPTEMBER 12

ANOTHER week, another car show, this time just down the road in Belmont Shore. Lots of old and new Minis on display, which was cool. What the pics don't show, however, is how a camera and tripod are like a dickhead magnet - just when you've got the shot set up, every tosser for a mile wanders into the picture. I'd also like to give a big shout out to Steve - thanks for walking into my tripod and not apologising because you were busy chatting up those two scrubbers, you ignorant prick. Bet you drive an SUV, don't you? Wanker.

AND I've put a page of wallpapers up. They're available in 800x600 or 1024x768, so go get one.

SEPTEMBER 8

PART of the joy of being a cat owner is wanting to cuddle them and shoot them at the same time.

The little sods. Although I did manage to get my own back by scaring the crap out of them with the hoover.

LAST Sunday we went to the Orange County Car Show, where I took lots of photos and got sunburnt. If you want to take a look, they're here.

I'VE also put up a load of pics I took in Camden Market back in 2003. You can have a shufty here.