OCTOBER 31

I HAD to work yesterday, which isn't as bad as it sounds. Sundays are usually easy - just the one paper, maybe six pages, 90% of the stuff already in and ready to go. So I went in at 3.45 in the afternoon expecting to be out by about seven that evening.

My first inkling that things might be a tad annoying came when I went to Subway at 4.30, got my sandwich made and discovered I didn't have any cash. Luckily my ATM card was in my back pocket, so I had to head for the cashpoint a couple of doors down while my footlong toasted Italian BMT started to congeal on the counter at Subways. To make matters worse, the whole time I was in the store that talentless twat Prince's shite song "Purple Rain" was on the bloody radio. Wonderful. Then I go to the coffee shop where I have to endure Celine Dion while they're doing my latte. Bastards.

Anyway, I get the paper done and it's being read by the guys in Orange County when Mut's Law goes into effect. For those of you who don't know, Mut's Law basically states that the easier a day goes, the more likely it is that something will happen five minutes after I finish page one. And it did - a bloody chemical fire at a print shop. At first we thought nothing much would happen, but then they sent the HazMat guys in so it was goodbye page four, hello redesign. Bugger.

AND there's some new wallpapers up too.

OCTOBER 30

THERE'S something being filmed in the empty bit of land across the street from my office. We're not sure what it is, but it can't be a movie as we haven't seen enough cocaine dealers hanging out in the area.

I took a couple of pics when I went to get my evening coffee from La Goccia. I couldn't see anyone famous, so I'm guessing it's a TV production. I'm also guessing that, with my experience of American telly, it'll be unmitigated shit.

WE WENT to a place called Oak Glen yesterday, which is at the foot of the San Bernardino Mountains. It's basically a big orchard full of apple farms that sell appley things. SoI took the camera and there's some pics here.

OCTOBER 27

THIS is the kind crap we get for publication on the letters page:

The feature story in the Oct. 11 edition of the [paper] written by [name] detailed [name] High School's Music Department[...]It is gratifying to know that [the school] is able to provide this creative outlet for its students. There is, however, a disturbing pictorial in which choir teacher [name] works with a student to "Perfect a jazz version of the National Anthem," according to a photo caption. This is rather shocking to me - our National Anthem being treated as fodder for musical change. Our National Anthem, as our American Flag, are symbols of our country and thus should not be manipulated in any manner. Altering the presentation of the National Anthem is tantamount to burning the American Flag - the ultimate show of disrespect to our country. I would hope that our School Board would discourage this type of musical alteration. We would all be better served by learning to respect and treasure our National Symbols.

Maybe I should send the writer an mp3 of me farting the national anthem in the bath.

ON THE bright side, Ev did manage to buy the right fags.

OCTOBER 22

THERE are a few things you should do before getting a personal license plate that reads "LA DOLL". One is buy a decent car to put it on, not a Honda that looks like it's owned by a 17-year-old stoner. The other is look in the mirror to check if you do, indeed, look like a doll and not like a bulldog licking piss off nettles.

OCTOBER 21

EV'S BOUGHT THE WRONG FAGS!!! AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!

OCTOBER 20

IF YOU'RE going to sit at lights in your blinged-up SUV with gangsta rap blasting out of the speakers, try to make sure you're not whiter than a very white albino. Sorry, mate, but no matter how loud you play it, you'll always be that colour.

OCTOBER 19

THE rains have stopped, and the forecast for tomorrow is clear skies and temperatures in the 80s. What is wrong with this bloody place?

OCTOBER 18

EMRIC'S nadsack came off today, but sod that - the rains have arrived in force. One of the things I love about California is how it can go from 102 degrees to pissing rain in the space of three days. And the thunderstorms are fantastic, especially when lightning hits the office building you're in. Great stuff. It almost makes driving to work surrounded by idiots worthwhile.

BACK to Emric. Yes, his knackers have gone to the great knacker's yard in the sky. Ev took him in at 8am this morning to have them done and the little bugger was sorted by midday. He seems quieter than usual, although I suppose if I'd had my bollocks removed with the equivalent of an ice-cream scoop I'd harldy be swinging from the chandelier. He also can't sit down, bless him. As long as it stops him climbing up the screen door and crapping in the bath I'll be happy.

BACK to work for a min - would the prat who spelt "wreak" as "reek" in a suggested headline please stand up and take a bow? Thanks.

OCTOBER 11

Anyone interested in becoming Official Emric Bollock Executioner can apply here.

OCTOBER 10

TODAY was the day Emric was supposed to go to the vet to have his furry sack of magic removed. He wasn't supposed to eat anything after 8pm last night but, being an Emric, managed to stuff his face at about 3am Monday after a hard hour of climbing the new bedroom curtains. He's now going tomorrow, and if they can't do it then I'm afraid it'll be time for the rusty nail scissors.

OCTOBER 8

THERE'S nothing like being asked if you have Hallowe'en in Australia. Especially by someone who you've worked with for six months.

OCTOBER 6

I'D just like to give a quick shout out to the bloke in the Mercedes cabriolet who did such a spectacular job of driving like a twat on Ocean Boulevard yesterday. Thanks for taking about three minutes to slowly drift over the lanes in front of me without signalling. I always appreciate considerate drivers. But I really think you should change your personal license plate from "LALAWYR" to "LAWANKR".

OCTOBER 4

RONNIE BARKER, one of the finest television comedy actors and writers Britain has ever produced, died today aged 76. A huge, huge loss to comedy and the world is a far duller place without him.