October 29

IT'S Hallowe'en on Sunday, so in time-honoured American tradition we're celebrating it by heading to Glamis to go dune-buggying. As I managed to burn my leg the last time I went there, I thought I'd update the site tonight as it could be the last chance I get. We've packed the important stuff (sunglasses, CDs, ciggies, cameras) and tomorrow I'm going to do the other stuff we need such as tents and clothing. There's going to be about 25,000 people at this place so it should be a good time assuming it's not a serial killer convention or anything. I'll put some pics up when we get back on Sunday.

October 26

JOHN Peel RIP.

October 24

IT'S no good, I don't know what I'm going to do - I just can't find decent bloody teabags anywhere. You'd think that in a country where the cereal aisle contains 3,000 different types of All-Bran that tea would be the same, but no. I can find decaffeinated tea, orange pekoe tea, herbal tea, calming tea, relaxing tea, iced tea and lime sodding tea, but nothing that would make a nice steaming cup of rosy. Anyway, what's the point of relaxing tea first thing in the morning? I'm already relaxed, what I need is "good hard kick in the arse" tea to wake me up. But after persevering, I found some English Breakfast tea... at $4.99 for 20 bags. Yep, I just forked out almost three quid for 20 tea bags. I never thought I'd miss Tetley this much.

October 21

THE weather is still distinctly un-Californian and last night the wind coming off the ocean even put the cat's arse to shame. Mine, too, come to think of it. And today was a landmark of another kind: today, for the first time since March 1 this year, I voluntarily put a pair of long trousers on. Yes, even though the temperature is a balmy 67F, I actually felt cold so dug my long kecks out of the drawer and put them on. Although it felt pretty wierd to have my legs covered from the knees down for the first time in seven months, I soon got used to it. As the rain continues to fall, I've had to buy a - gasp! - jacket and at this rate I might have to start looking out the window before automatically putting on my shorts and T-shirt in the morning.

I DON'T believe it - a guy in the apartment block next door is washing his car. Why doesn't he just leave it out in the rain?

OH, AND by the way you might notice something about the site has changed. I can't quite put my finger on it, either... I haven't changed the archive pages yet, though, as it's currently 2.13am and I'm knackered. Night.

OCtober 18

FOR Chrissake, I know I wanted it to rain, but I didn't mean for three days straight!

October 15

AMAZING, isn't it? It takes me 363 days and four attempts to pass my driving test in the UK. That's nearly a year of humiliation at school (I was the last one in sixth form to pass), driving lessons off Merv the Perv, nearly putting my mum's car through a hedge, but come to California and I can do it in 15 minutes. Yes, some idiot decided I'm competent to drive so he passed me, even though I made nine mistakes (who the hell uses hand signals nowadays anyway?). But I think I've discovered why Californians are crap drivers: compared to a UK test this was a doddle. No three-point turn, no emergency stop and no parallel parking. In fact the hardest thing was to drive properly after picking up bad habits over the past 14 years. Just keeping both hands on the wheel was enough of a problem, let alone not lighting a ciggie or yelling abuse at the grannymobile in front of me. So my CA license is on its way to me at last, and now the LA Times (in)human resources dept has finally got my driver number I might actually be able to start work before 2007.

PLANET MUT is still undergoing a redesign. Every time I come up with something I like, I think of something else. At the mo I'm working on three themes and getting pretty much nowhere. If I can't decide which one to use, I'll put a poll up and both of you can vote on your fave. Not that I'll listen, of course.

AND I think I've found out the reason why Madoc is so thick. Apparently, the whiter the cat, the worse its eyesight is. As Maddy must be 80% white this would explain why he's unable to see his bowl of milk unless it's jiggled in front of him and also reveals why he ran into the back of the sofa the other day. The pratt.

October 12

SPECIAL 1:46am update: IT'S RAINING!!!!!!!!!!

October 11

LOOKING over my written driving test, I realise that it doesn't reflect the reality of driving in Southern California at all. In fact, I doubt very much if 90% of the drivers here realise that there is a speed limit. So I've taken the liberty of drawing up some questions that I feel should be adopted by the California DMV for future tests.

1. You've just come off the freeway and are approaching a set of traffic lights. Do you:
a) Brake.
b) Get in your lane.
c) Remember you missed your nail appointment yesterday so rummage around in your glove compartment for your nail care kit.

2. Which of these mirrors is the best for applying make-up?
a) Bedroom mirror.
b) Bathroom mirror.
c) Rearview mirror.

3. You've just made a wad of cash selling your house and decide to treat yourself to an S-Type Jaguar. Do you:
a) Buy one in black as it looks classy.
b) Buy one in British Racing Green in recognition of Jaguar's fine racing heritage.
c) Buy one in any colour as long as you can pimp it up with chrome spinners, a neon license plate frame and 500 gigawatt speakers.

4. You should always carry one of the following in your boot trunk:
a) Emergency beakdown gear such as a torch, first aid kit or red triangle.
b) A cellphone in case you get stuck.
c) A videocamera so you can record high-speed police chases, sell the footage to a TV news show then sue the network for mental anguish when they don't broadcast it.

5. You're driving at 80mph on the freeway when your cellphone starts to ring, but it's in your purse on the back seat. Do you:
a) Let them leave a message.
b) Pull off the freeway to call them back.
c) Hold the steering wheel steady with your knees, turn around in your seat and attempt to get the phone out of your purse while continuing to do 80mph, giving up only when the police are forced to deploy tyre spikes to stop you.

6. Which of these is a suitable mode of transport to go to the grocery store or pick the kids up from school?
a) Walking - it's only a couple of hundred yards.
b) Something that gets good mileage, like a Corolla or a Focus.
c) A 12-seater SUV with satellite navigation, all-leather interior, DVD player, 300 gigawatt stereo system, eight-litre engine and single-figure fuel economy.

THANKS to all 10 of you who responded to the poll. Little Maddy is now in an escape pod on his way to Tatooine. I just hope the Rebellion doesn't depend on him, 'cos we're shagged if it does. The new poll's up, so let's see if we can break the current record of voters and go into negative figures.

October 8

I HAD my written driver's test today, and stone me - I passed. The questions weren't that difficult, apart from the one asking me which type of road freezes fastest. Obviously that's a vital fact to know when you live in a state that varies from warm to bloody hot and the closest you come to a freezing road is when you drop ice cubes in the street. I got four wrong but I'm now in the clear to do the actual driving exam next Thursday when I get to scare the crap out of the examiner by fiddling with the stereo, constantly lighting cigarettes, faking a seizure and asking if I have to cross the road to turn right.

On the way back from the test centre in Laguna Woods we stopped in Alberson's, which is Ev's favourite grocery store. Unfortunately they seem to have a policy of putting on one member of staff for every 3,000 customers, meaning the queues at the tills were pretty long. The one we were in proceeded even slower than normal thanks to the lazy fat bitch in front of us who stood and watched as the girl behind the checkout had to scan each of the 650 items then pack them in bags. I mean, I know Americans are used to being looked after when they go out, but would it have killed Miss Lard to give the checkout girl a hand?

We also visited Ev's nan, who's given me a load of old National Geographic mags. They date from the 70s and the best thing about them has to be the adverts. I'll scan some in and put them up on the site whenever my attention span lasts long enough.

The weather's finally cooled down. At the moment it's very misty outside in the evenings and if there was the hint of bonfire in the air I could almost imagine it's a November night in Wales. Then I realise I'm wearing shorts and a T-shirt, which rather wrecks the illusion.

I'm also working on a redesign of the site, as frankly I'm sick of the grey and orange. On top of that is the fact that Planet Mut looks like it was knocked up in half an hour (mainly 'cos it was) when I'd rather have it look like it was done in 45 minutes. I don't know when the new design will be up, but if in the near future you visit and think you're looking at a site that was done by someone who actually knows what he's doing, that'll be it.

October 1

AS OF 3pm this afternoon I'll have been in California for 200 days. To keep you all up to speed on my life here, I've spent literally minutes doing this list to show that over the past seven months I've:

Spent 1,025 hours playing videogames.

Watched 615 hours of TV.

Slept for 1,640 hours.

Watched 120 DVDs.

Smoked 4,000 cigarettes.

Drunk 2,000 cups of tea/coffee.

Spent 32 minutes looking for a job.

I know, I can't believe it either... only 4,000 ciggies?