NOVEMBER 29

YOU don't half encounter some ignorant dickheads over here (and we have 'em at home, too). Today I was in the coffee shop I go to every day in my ongoing efforts to wake up. There was a woman in front of me who was of an instantly recognisable type. Ridiculously overdone hairstyle? Check. Even more ridiculously overdressed for a Monday afternoon in Glendale? Check. A haze of expensive perfume? Check. More gold on her hands than the most tasteless rapper? Check. Enough makeup to cushion a direct hit from a howitzer? Check. General air of disdain for anyone who doesn't own a Mercedes? Check. Oh shit, it's Pampered Housewife - the woman who always gets what she wants as long as the Mexican servant actually goes and gets it for her.

So she orders a coffee and then spots the selection of cakes. As she's looking at them, the owner of the place asks if I want the usual (a double latte for those who care) and I say yes. PH goes to pick her coffee up and then tries to put milk in it, discovers the container's empty so literally slams it down on the counter and says in a loud voice, "There no milk here! Why there no milk here? There no milk here!" Oh Christ, it's worse than I thought - it's not just Pampered Housewife, it's Illiterate Pampered Housewife (and the only thing worse than that is Orange County Pampered Housewife. There is no such thing as Illiterate Orange County Pampered Housewife and if there was the universe would probably implode).

So the woman doing my coffee has to stop to get milk for the IPH's coffee, and all the while she's going on about how "there no milk here" and "you should have milk when I come in" and "I no like my coffee with no milk" and I'm thinking, for God's sake just tell her to piss off. It only takes a second and it would be worth it just to see the look on the snotty bitch's face. Unfortunately, Americans have a very ingrained sense of the customer always being right, so the owner just tops up the milk jug and goes back to making my latte. I just hope she gobbed in the milk first. IPH gets her milk, adds it to her coffee, gives the place one last look and makes for the door, safe in the knowledge that once again reality failed to intrude on her life.

NOVEMBER 28

IT WAS strange driving home tonight. The strong winds we've had over the past couple of days have blown the smog away, meaning it's now possible to see things that are usually hidden - like all of downtown LA, for example. On the drive up I was even able to see houses on the mountains when usually it's barely possible to see the mountains. But calmer weather is on its way, meaning the yellow-brown wall of smog will be back very soon.

NOVEMBER 24

TODAY is Thanksgiving here in the States. It's a very special day when Americans give thanks that the Indians hadn't discovered gunpowder and we Brits give thanks for getting rid of the bloody Puritans. But more than that, it's an excuse for people to stuff their faces even more than normal. And what am I doing, I hear you ask? I'm working.

NOVEMBER 22

SINCE moving to America I've been asked a lot of questions. Some of them have even made sense. But there's a lot that left me struggling for an answer that wasn't a) saracastic or b) a punch in the face. So say hello to the all-singing, all-dancing Frequently Questioned Answers section.

NOVEMBER 19

THANKS to the roadworks on the 710, I left work at 11.40pm and got home at 1.15am. Wonderful. Still, at least no one got shot in Glendale tonight. Hang on, yes they did.

NOVEMBER 13

I DON'T know why I let myself be talked into going to South Coast Plaza on Saturday as I hate the bloody place. South Coast Plaza - or Mind-Buggering Hole of Smugness as I like to call it - is one of those places you go into and immediately know you've made a mistake. From the overwhelming air of superiority coming off the native Orange County shoppers to the soul-crushing banality of the entire place it's just asking for a full-on zombie invasion. On the bright side, work went OK tonight.

NOVEMBER 11

I WENT to Subway for dinner tonight and somehow managed to get there during what must have been moron hour. There was a long line at the counter and I doubt if the collective IQ totalled much more than 18. And work's busy, so I don't have time to hang around.

First off, you know you're in trouble when the conversation among the teenagers at the front of the line contains little more than the word "like". Then there's the guy behind them who looks like he's not quite sure what planet he's on, let alone which sandwich he wants. The only thing worse than that is Mr Self-Important Bastard who's yakking on his mobile the whole time, and behind me is some 50-year-old hippie who acts like it's still the summer of love but has a watch worth more than my Subaru.

So I've only been in the store for eight nanoseconds and already I hate everyone else in the line, especially as Moronic Teenager #1 is telling his mates - and the world at large - how great Good Charlotte are, which in any civilised country would mean an automatic death sentence. Moronic Teenagers #2 and #3 are listening in rapt attention while the poor sod serving behind the counter is trying to get their attention and Space Cadet is staring at the menu board as if the directions to his home planet are contained among the side orders. Luckily, Mr Self-Important Bastard has finished his phone conversation but then blows any goodwill he might have earned by dialling someone else. The Moronic Teenagers have finally made their minds up - they're all having cheesteaks which is about as original an order as Good Charlotte is a band. Another guy comes out to serve Space Cadet. He's still staring at the board trying to work out if the combo offer means "left at Jupiter" and literally jumps when the server asks him what he wants.

Fortunately, all the staring at the board must have triggered some signal in his brain cell(s) as he orders pretty quickly (for those keeping track, he got a meatball marinara). Moronic Teenagers #1, #2 and #3 have all paid and go out the door still extolling the virtues of bands that not even a brain-dead six-year-old would listen to. Mr Self-Important Bastard is asked what he wants and replies (I swear to God) "Do you have anything skinny?" Get with the program, dickhead, it's Subway not bloody Starbucks. To be fair the server almost bursts out laughing before regaining his composure and rattling off a list of the low-carb sarnies while at the front a black hole of stupidity develops when Space Cadet waits until the guy's made, wrapped and bagged his sandwich before asking for parmesan cheese.

As Blunty would no doubt say: Christ on a bike. Anyway, it's my turn so I order a BMT. Mr Self-Important Bastard goes for a Chicken Parmesan, which is about as skinny as Saturday Night Live is funny. Space Cadet has got his sandwich ordered and heads out the door to a galaxy far far away. Mr Self-Important Bastard's sandwich is knocked up in no time (and at no time did he stop yakking on the phone), and as the guy's getting my soup Jerry Garcia orders his dinner. But he doesn't just order it, oh no. First off he has the server go through the basic ingredients for every type of bread they do before settling on the amazingly original white bread. Then he asks if the turkey is fresh. Fresh? Where does he think he is, Fortnum and bloody Mason's? The server doesn't know if it's fresh but Jerry orders it anyway. Then he takes his time with the veggies to the point of asking what type of onion they serve. I'd imagine it's the hot kind, what do you think? He even asks if the avocado is fresh... it's still whole, for Christ's sake. I've paid and I'm on my way out of the Twilight Zone back to reality. Or as close to reality as the office comes.

ON A happier note, kudos to Emric for biting my sister on the arse the other morning. And he's also owed some credit for managing to only miss the litter box with one turd out of three tonight.

NOVEMBER 10

CLANGER died this morning.

NOVEMBER 7

APOLOGIES for the lack of updates over the past week, but between work, my family coming out for a visit and Call of Duty 2 I've had bugger all time. Normal service will resume soon.