November 28

SORRY for the eight-day delay in updating, but between work, my family arriving for the holidays and me buying Half-Life 2 things have got pretty hectic. It's been so bad I've only been able to play it for the odd couple of hours every now and then instead of giving it my full undivided attention for 24 hours or so like I was planning.

November 20

I finally got Internet radio set up on my PC this morning to listen to the Wales v New Zealand rugger match live from Cardiff on BBC Radio Wales. As usual when Wales play rugby it's been one of those times when you wish you had a full intensive care unit on hand as it's been up and down for the whole game. As one of the commentators just said: "It's like sevens with big hits and too many people on the pitch."

Crap, the All Blacks got another penalty meaning we need two kicks and a try. Wales are currently 22-26 down with about 17 minutes 31 seconds minutes left. I wish I could smoke in the apartment.

Line-out five metres from the All Black line, but it's a NZ ball. New Zealand are running rings round us at the moment but at least we're defending.

Wales in possession. Martyn Williams is almost over... NZ defending like hell, penalty for Wales. Kick or drive for the line? Five minutes left. It's snowing in Cardiff and fans have been told not to leave by Gate 1. Gavin Henson gets the kick - up to 25-26 with three minutes left. Drop-goal or a penalty and we'll win it.

I don't think I've got any fingernails left. Wales in possession, but NZ are too good. Wales penalty on their own 22. Too far out to score. We have to drive it up and go for the drop-goal.

Cockbain drops it, ball back to NZ. Mayhem on the pitch as Wales try to get the ball. Cooper swamped by All Black. Time's up... ref blows. Bugger. What a match! Almost makes me wish I was back in Merthyr in the snow to watch it. Hang on, it's Saturday... I'd have been in the office, so I think I'll stick with California. If you want to see pics of the game, go here.

My dad is currently somewhere above the Atlantic on a plane and doesn't know what the result is, but after only losing to South Africa by two points and New Zealand by one, he shouldn't be too disappointed.

November 16

WELL, I've got a new motor sorted out - a 2000 Subaru Impreza Outback that's a damn sight safer than the old Cabrio. It was also three times as expensive, so if any geriatric imbeciles go into the back of it I'm going to start exercising my Second Amendment rights. Tomorrow the insurance company is calling then I have to go to the attorney's office to lay out my case for bankrupting the git who hit me.

I've also finally started work. I thought it would be a nightmare getting back into the swing of things after eight months off, but it wasn't too bad. I've managed to get the hang of CCI, the design software we use which comes from Denmark. 'Cos when you think of quality page layout software, the first country you think of is Denmark. But it isn't that bad and certainly not as difficult to learn as Tera, the abortion-on-a-CD that I had to use in Wales. Everyone at the job is great and have made me feel very welcome, and although the hours are a bit of a pain (2pm-11pm) I'm hoping there'll be a bit of flexibility in the future.

I'm sure there was something else... Oh yeah, the cat. A few days BCC (Before Car Crash) the little ball of fur was a bit off-colour. He wasn't eating or taking any interest in his surroundings. I for one was content to let him starve to death, but Ev wanted to get him to the vet's so it was down to me, dear reader(s), to get him there. The vet's is in a part of Long Beach that makes Deptford look like Beverly Hills and the building's been repainted. The practical upshot of this is that I end up going round the block about 25 times with a yowling cat in the car before I find it. The vet examined him and pronounced that he had a mild fever and that'll be $350 please. Christ, that's six times what the little bugger cost - it would've been cheaper to have him put to sleep.

I'm working on a glossary of British terms to help you Yanks out, so if it goes anything like the National Geographic ads (remember those?) I should have it up and running by July 2009.

November 10

EARLIER today I was a motorist. Now I'm a pedestrian. Why? Because at 1.20ish this afternoon some geriatric old twat in an SUV slammed into the back of my VW while I was sitting at a red light, smashing the rear end in. The impact forced my car into the Mercedes in front of me and as my Cabrio has - sorry, had - lowered suspension her rear bumper destroyed the front end of my car (believe me, I want to swear a lot more but can't as my mum reads this). I think he must have been doing about 20-30mph as my sunglasses flew off my face, hit the windscreen, bounced back over me and ended up on the rear parcel shelf. The headrest smacked me in the back of the head and rebounded so hard the seat is now horizontal and can't be moved. One second before that my biggest worry was trying to find my lighter on the passenger seat, next I'm lying on my back in the car unable to see anything and wondering what in the name of arse is going on.

We got our cars off the road and I called the police. As it happened, the officer who came out was born in Hackney and is a Liverpool fan (poor bloke). He wrote out a report on the accident and I was left to call a tow truck to get me home. Damage to the dickhead's SUV: a few dents and chipped paint. Damage to old biddy's Merc: a scratched bumper. Damage to my VW: a write-off and $3000 down the bog.

Want to know the best bit? I was on my way to my first day at work when this happened. Obviously I couldn't go, so I'm starting tomorrow. Luckily my editor understood the situation completely and told me not to worry, which was a relief.

(Later): I WENT for a checkup and I've got whiplash which is starting to freeze my neck. Great. Tomorrow I have to get a hire car as there's no other way I'm going to be able to get to work, then I have to go through the hassle of getting a new car and the horror of dealing with the insurance company who, I'm sure, will offer me about $3.50 for my Cabrio. Arse. I'm going to bed.

November 5

I'M trying to give up cigarettes at the moment so Part 2 of the Glamis update is on hold while I fight the urge to kick the cat. As Ev says, it's for the best (giving up, not kicking the cat) but as my Mars Bar consumption is up to 20 a day I think I'd rather the cigs.

November 3

OUR trip to Glamis almost got off to a disastrous start last Friday evening when Ev remembered she'd forgotten the salad dressing. Luckily it was discovered lurking in the fridge, so whatever happened in the depths of the desert at least we'd be safe in the knowledge that Von's Light Italian Dressing was safe in the boot of the car.

Glamis is about 250 miles south of Long Beach (or civilisation, as we started calling it). Unfortunately we had to take the road from Hell for part of the way there. No, I'm not talking about the 405 but about the 91, which is roughly the age you'll be when you finally reach your destination. At one point it took us 32 minutes to go six miles, which to be fair is still quicker than the 405 at midday. And just when I thought things couldn't get worse we had to stop in the city of Corona to pick up a cooler and coffee. Believe me, if you think Maerdy is a dump you'd better think again; Corona is the kind of place that makes you long for the scent of burning Ford Escort on the mountainside. I mean, any place that has a street called Auto Centre Drive screams class.

Our stop over, we were back on the road. By now it had taken us two and a half hours to go 36 miles and the only thing keeping us sane was the Eddie Izzard CD on the stereo. After we left the 91 and got on the I-10 the traffic calmed down until we hit the outskirts of Brawley where we discovered that about 150,000 other people had the exact same idea as us and decided to spend Hallowe'en night in the sand. After paying our $25 entrance fee we crawled along a road lined with trailers until we spotted four drunk people waving madly at us. It was Ken, Becky, Mike and Jackie so we felt safe in pulling over and beginning to unload the car.

Now camping, like guns and decent TV, is another glaring difference between the USA and UK. Camping in Britain means pitching your tent in the middle of the night in a muddy field in the pissing rain, losing a couple of tent pegs, falling in cowshit and then realising you've left the can opener at home. Camping in the USA means a huge trailer with air-conditioning, beds, a kitchen, shower and khazi. We got the tent set up with a lot of help from Ken, as the last time I pitched a tent was in the middle of the night in a muddy field in the pissing rain and I wasn't in the mood for taking notes. Then we had to inflate the airbed, make the bed and join in the fun around the campfire. That lasted about an hour as we were knackered from the drive, so after some microwaved burgers we headed for the tent.

Sleeping is difficult in Glamis. If you want to recreate the experience, set your tent up between the M4 and a 24-hour lawnmower testing facility and try to get some kip. No chance. Nutters were either bombing up and down the sand on quads or driving up and down the road in trucks. Then there was the group of very considerate arseholes next to us who passed out leaving their truck stereo blaring music until 5am. Of course, 5am is the time one kid on the other side of us decided to warm up his quad by revving and revving and revving and revving and revving and revving and revving and revving and revving and revving and revving and revving and revving and revving and revving and revving and revving and revving the engine, because it's been scientifically proved that pissing off everyone in a two-mile radius makes your nob bigger. After a relaxing three hours' sleep I got up blinking in the bright sunshine to be told by Ev that the teabags had gone missing, which is not what I wanted to hear...

Will Mut get a cup of tea? Will Mr Big Nob ever stop revving his bloody engine? Why is this taking me so sodding long to write? Come back soon for the next thrilling installment!!!