January 20

BECAUSE I love you all so very much I've linked to the dirtbiking pics I took back in August. They're on the bottom of the menu but if you're too lazy to move your mouse a couple of inches you can get to them here.

January 17

WHAT the hell is going on with the weather? Last week it was 40 degrees and chucking it down, now it's 85 degrees and people are sunbathing on the beach - in JANUARY!! When I went outside for a ciggie at work I thought it was a pleasant May evening. When I got back to my desk my calendar told me we're actually halfway through the first month of the year... I can't handle this. I like my weather to stick to rigidly-defined periods: rain from September 1 to August 15, and absolutely unbearable heat and humidity from August 16-31, with a 90% chance of rain on Bank Holiday Monday.

January 15

I'VE dug out a load of old columns I wrote for Wales on Sunday from April 2003-August last year and put them on the site. I used to write the column on odd sporting websites and it gave me something to do in between cigarette breaks. They can be found here.

January 10

HERE are a few tips for you Californians to help you cope with driving in the rain.

1. STOP ****ING TAILGATING ME. I have enough problems coping with the 200-yard visibility in front to worry about some self-important bastard in a Ford CockXtension 3000 SUV driving three feet behind me.

2. TURN YOUR ****ING LIGHTS ON. Thanks to Californian roads' stunning lack of drainage driving to work is like driving through Llangorse Lake. I'd like to be able to see you so I don't drive into you, although if doing so removed you from the gene pool that wouldn't be a bad thing.

3. SWITCH YOUR ****ING CELLPHONE OFF. There's no call so important you have to make it in the pissing rain while doing 80mph. I realise that stopping people using their mobiles in cars would lead to the collapse of the Californian economy, but I don't want my loved ones informed I was killed by some wanker too busy booking his daily tanning session to pay attention to the road.

4. USE YOUR ****ING WIPERS PROPERLY. I realise the strange rubber-and-metal things below your windscreen remain unused for 360 days of the year, but they do have a faster setting than intermittent. Try putting down your pissing mobile long enough to move the control down more than one setting. If you're from Orange County, get your Mexican gardener to do it for you.

Following these instructions could prolong your life, as I won't be beating you to death with your laptop after you rear-end my car on the 405.

January 5

WE WENT to downtown LA today for my green card interview. Amazingly it all went well and apart from having to wait for the security check, I passed. Sorted!