DECEMBER 31: THE TOP 10 THINGIES OF THE YEAR
No10: PIRATE DAY
Ev was a bit surprised that I included this one but to be honest it was such a good afternoon out and a great opportunity for photos.
No9: NEW TELLY
I'd never really seen the point of shelling out on a plasma TV... and then we bought one. Even Iestyn was impressed.
No8: GETTING TO BE ALL SMUG ABOUT FUEL CONSUMPTION WITHOUT HAVING TO DRIVE ONE OF THOSE BLOODY AWFUL PRIUS THINGS
Two hundred and fifty miles on half a tank. Minis rule.
No7: TRAILER RACES
Easily one of the funniest 30 minutes of my life. I can't wait for next year's races to start.
No6: BOOKS
My year was filled with outstanding books (The Crow Road, White Heat, London Orbital, California, The Road, The Power and the Glory to name just a few) and as reading is second only to breathing for me it deserves a place on the list. My book collection has just broken into the 400s and it's only going to grow.
No5: THE CATS
They're as annoying as ever, they've cost us a fortune in vet's bills and Emric has kept us busy cleaning up his sick, but to be honest life wouldn't be the same without them. (And no, I didn't have my fingers crossed as I typed that).
No4: THANK CHRIST FOR THAT
With Chimpy McShitforbrains and his gang of self-serving crooks heading out the door in about 20 days it'll be nice to see intelligence return to the White House after an eight-year absence. Unfortunately for Obama he's facing a bigger mess than a zookeeper with a herd of elephants who've just come back from a night of eating vindaloos and swilling lager, but hopefully some good will come of it. It couldn't get much bloody worse.
No3: HOME
Going home to see my family and friends is the highlight of my year. This year's trip was only different in its timing - instead of going in May or June as normal, we went in March to be present for my dad's 70th birthday celebrations. Even though it was freezing bloody cold for most of the time and we failed to do a lot of the stuff we'd planned for, we still had a fantastic time and can't wait to go in May.
No2: I WAS THERE
After having to listen to our 2005 Grand Slam victory on BBC Wales over the net while filled with seething jealousy that my sister was at the game, this year I got to see us win. The fact that I shared the experience with Ev, dad and Lou just made watching us beat France in the Millennium Stadium to take the title even more special. Magic.
No1: SIĀN ROSE
What else?
DECEMBER 28
THE ideal of owning an Emric:
The reality of owning an Emric:
I want to squeeze him til his guts fly out of his arse.
DECEMBER 27
TODAY we made a beeline for Target armed with the gift cards we got for Christmas. As the proud owner of yet another electronic gadget (the Aspire) I was in the market for some accessories, namely a carrying case, USB hub and speakers. I failed miserably on the first two - all the cases were for 7" notebooks, and I'm buggered if I'm shelling out $30 on a four-port hub - but I did manage to pick up some speakers:
They're currently cranking out The Smiths' "Death of a Disco Dancer" and doing a pretty good job of it considering they only cost $20. The bass is a bit nonexistent but that's why I've got a Creative subwoofer connected to the desktop PC. I'm considering getting a cordless mouse next as I'd forgotten what a pain a wired one can be.
Talking of our desktop machine, I finally decided to do something about the bloody awful keyboard and mouse that came with it. The keyboard has clunky typing action, the space bar is too noisy and the hibernate button is too close to the F2 key, meaning I frequently put the PC to sleep while trying to rename files. As for the mouse, I've never known a cordless model get through AA batteries like this one, and on top of that it's heavy and unwieldy.
I spotted this Logitech EX-100 cordless keyboard and mouse for only $30 so I grabbed it. I've been a huge fan of Logitech mice and keyboards since I bought my first one around 1998 and since then I've been through about seven different models. Yeah, I know, I'm a sad bastard. I just prefer their low-profile design and find them more comfortable to type on. It's also a damn sight smaller than the old one. The Gateway keyboard and mouse have been consigned to the closet in case of emergencies. You may now commence taking the piss.
EVEN though it's nigh on impossible not to have heard of the Guitar Hero/Rock Star games I've never actually seen one (unless you count the South Park episode "Guitar Queero"). But thanks to a friend who got Rock Band for Christmas, tonight I got to have a shot at it. As I cannot sing to save my life (I'm ashamed to say I have been known to mime during Land of My Fathers) and have no idea how to play guitar, not even a toy one, I stuck to drumming.
Yeah, that's me, circa 1989 if the hair, glasses, blue jeans and combat jacket are anything to go by. I'm sitting at a drumset belonging to a friend who was in a band at the time (at least one person reading this knows what I'm talking about). I've never been musically inclined but if I was I'd be a drummer. Although I suppose that not being musically inclined would be perfect for drumming... Anyway, I've never really played a drum kit and only banged out a few tunes over the years on sets belonging to friends. I'm what could charitably be called "an enthusiastic amateur" and, compared to one of my mates - who can match Rush's Neil Peart beat-for-beat while blindfolded and having his nads crushed in a vice - I'm not even in the same universe. But it's still fun to go along with the beat whether it's on a drumset, the Mini's steering wheel, my desk at work or Emric's head.
Anyway, back to the game. The drum kit that comes with it is pretty basic but easy to play and the basic principal - hitting the relevant coloured bit when that colour appears on the moving bit of the screen (look, if this was Half-Life 2 I'd know what I was talking about) is straightforward enough. As we're complete wusses we played on the easy setting, one up from "beginner", and that's what buggered me up. As the drummer on "easy" you're not supposed to play the actual drumline, just a simpler version of it. Not realising this I tried to play the song ("The Eye of the Tiger") properly and was booed off the stage in about 30 seconds. Oops. After a couple of attempts I got the hang of it but I'd rather have upped the skill level and had a go at the full drumline. But there's always next time.
Oh, and as for the songs... I'd heard of most of 'em but never actually heard them, if you see what I mean. Others drew a complete blank. To the question "What about Steely Dan?" my response was, "Who?" The track list is a mix of the obvious, not-so-obvious and "WTF?" (a 1993 Smashing Pumpkins song??) and you know the only way a 2007 Mötorhead track got into the game was because the makers would have been denied one of the classic rock tracks if they hadn't included it. It's fun but I wish they'd add The Cure's live version of "Pictures of You" as I can play that brilliantly on our sofa cushions.
Any excuse :-)
DECEMBER 26
REMEMBER - only 364 shopping days to Christmas!
DECEMBER 25
AFTER 24 long and painful days we're finally at the end of this year's advent calendar. Like last year's, the final day is represented by a larger chunk of chocolate behind a double door. I can tell the suspense is killing both of you so without further ado, here it is:
CAN YOU SMELL WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKIN'?
My female intuition must have been on a fag break 'cos Ev jumped in first and identified the last choccy as an angel. No doubt she was aided by the cheapskate manufacturers not bothering to fill the whole mould with chocolate, thus leaving most of the angel illustration visible. Bastards.
Not only did Ev correctly guess the last piece, she also won 7-6. Arse. But there's always next year.
IN HAPPIER news, today was Pressie Day and what pressies they were. I surpassed myself by not only buying and wrapping all of Ev's gifts in October, but also by getting her stuff that she's not taking back to the store (unlike last year). And Ev did a good job of making sure that I'll stick around for another month or so by getting me one of these:
It's an Acer Aspire One 8.9" notebook computer thingy. It's got a gig of RAM, a 1.6GHz Intel Atom chip, a 160Gb hard drive and runs XP. We've been talking about getting a laptop for ages but couldn't decide which one to get. Then we saw these in Target and I started nagging until Ev gave in and bought me one. After charging the battery and deleting all the pre-installed crapware, I installed Photoshop, Dreamweaver, Elements and Firefox and generally got the thing to my liking.
For its size (it weighs just over two pounds) the Aspire's got a load of features including three USB ports, two card readers, wireless internet, ethernet and an external VGA socket, so at some point we're going to buy a 19" monitor for it. Unfortunately neither of the integrated card readers take Compact Flash cards so I've had to dig out the USB reader that came with my XT. But that's hardly the end of the world.
The only other minor downside is that the screen resolution only goes to a 600 pixels deep, and Photoshop CS3's RAW editor needs a depth of 768 pixels to be fully visible. That's more a fault of Adobe's but it is a pain in the backside when trying to edit RAW files and another reason to get a full-size monitor. The tiny keyboard takes some getting used to but I like the typing action far more than the awful Gateway keyboard attached to our desktop PC. The cooling fan is a little on the noisy side, but all in all I'm well happy with my new Acer. I also got a sensor-cleaning kit for the XT which I'm going to play with on the weekend.
WE ALSO did our best to get out of the flat for a bit today, and after putting the turkey in the oven we went for a wander on the beach. I only managed to get four photos before it started to pour with rain so we headed home.
AND lastly, thanks to everyone who sent us Christmas cards but didn't get one back. We bought a box but never got around to filling any out. Yes, I know, we're useless.
DECEMBER 23
TONIGHT it was Ev's turn to guess.
Oh whatever could this be?
Ev 6, me 6. And there's only one day to go. Now, one thing I didn't realise about this year's calendar is that it's German. I'd automatically assumed it was either made in Mexico or China or one of those third-world countries such as Macclesfield. But having had a closer look I don't understand how I missed its Teutonic heritage. Here's the calendar:
Pretty innocuous, eh? Let's take a closer look:
Oh, those krazy Krauts!
DECEMBER 22 (LATER): AND i'm missing quatermass and the pit for this?
Here's December 20's vain attempt:
Judging by the bits of illustration I can see it's some kind of steam train.
Silly me! It's a laser gun straight out of Flash Gordon!
Oh, wait - it's some kind of trumpet. The scores remain at five all. Now we move on to December 21:
I have no idea so just to get closer to going to bed I'm going to say it's a 1976 Morris Marina coupé. With a roof rack.
It's a... er... it's... well it's obviously a... what the hell is this thing supposed to be?
Aha - I think it's supposed to be Santa. Or Good King Wenceslas, as immortalised in that classic Christmas carol:
Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen
When the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even
Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was cruel
When a poor man came in sight
Playing with his tool
So the score remains me 5, Ev 5. Finally tonight here's December 22:
Judging by the bits of the illustration I can see below the chocolate, this is a teddy bear.
And he's through the defence and over the line for a try! The score's now Mut 6, Ev 5 with two days to go. Sorted!
DECEMBER 22
"HMMMM..." I thought to myself earlier. "How the hell do you get the cylinder thing off this Dyson?"
*CLICK!*
"Aha! Now how do I empty the cylinder?"
*CLICK!*
"Oh shit."
REMEMBER to tune in later for a massive advent calendar update the likes of which has not been seen since the last one!
DECEMBER 19
RIGHT, let's get this over with as it's gone 2am. Ev's asleep so I'm doing this one on my own.
After long and careful consideration, I think it's a sleigh with presents on it.
And it's 5-5 with only five days to go!
DECEMBER 18
FIRST off, some photos my mate Mike sent me. Mike lives in the mountains and gets far more interesting weather than I do.
This is Mike's and his wife's cars.
This one's called "High Desert". It snows in the desert?
Their dog Chatsie has the time of his life.
This is the access road to their street.
Their house. I have a feeling Mike won't be in the office tomorrow.
BUT that's enough of the wonders of winter - it's time for more advent calendar fun! We start with Monday:
Ev jumped in and announced this was a train. I wanted to say it was a Mini but stayed within reason and guessed a van.
It's a car. Still 4-4. Now for Tuesday:
We both thought long and hard about this one before I plumped for a Santa face and Ev for a sack of pressies.
It's a man riding a horse! Yet another chance to pull ahead is blown so we're stuck at 4-4 again. Here's today's:
"IT'S A SHOOTING STAR!" shouted Ev as she opened the door. I'm not even going to bother to guess. 5-4 to Ev, six days to go.
DECEMBER 17
I JUST saw the trailer for the upcoming movie Valkyrie. It's a historical drama about the 1944 plot by a group of Army officers to assassinate Hitler and overthrow the Nazi Party. The 20 July plot is a tragedy on all counts; not only did it fail to kill Hitler, it also resulted in the arrests of 5,000 people, the torture and execution of 200 and the destruction of the German resistance movement. What the plotters did was an act of bravery in defiance of one of the greatest evils ever to face humanity.
So could someone please explain to me why that Xenu-fearing, trapped-in-the-closet shortarsed nutcase Scientologist Tom Cruise is playing the lead role? Couldn't they find an actor?
DECEMBER 15
IT'S A pressie. Or, if you're Ev, it's "kids playing in the snow and why are you backing away from me?"
Four points to Ev, four points to me. I believe the phrase I'm looking for is "You're not singing any more".
DECEMBER 14 (TECHNICALLY IT'S DECEMBER 15 BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN)
HERE'S three days' worth of advent calendar doors in one handy update.
For Friday's door, Ev went for a kid playing in the snow and I, sensing a possible point, guessed it was a snowman.
STITCH THAT! Ev 3, me 2 and suddenly it doesn't look like she's going to have the easy win she's been taunting me about.
On to Saturday and Ev claimed this was a boot. Brimming with confidence and noticing the bulge at the top, I announced that it was a Christmas stocking filled with pressies.
AND THE CROWD GOES WILD! But my celebrating was soon cut short when Ev pointed out that the "stocking" has a heel. Forced to agree, we settled for a 1-1 draw. It's now 4-3.
I guessed a house and Ev - who must be on something - claimed it was Santa's workshop. Quite how she expected a large factory and several hundred elves to be moulded in one small piece of chocolate is a mystery best left alone.
We're both wrong - it's a church, one of the last things I'd expect to find in an advent calendar! So the score remains 4-3 to Ev. But there's still time for me to stage a comeback/fail stunningly.
DECEMBER 13: RANT OVER, HERE'S SOME PICS
AFTER my rant about a certain film that won't be named, we went out to take some photos of the Christmas lights near our apartment.
SHIT, I forgot to do the calendar again!
DECEMBER 13
EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH is currently on the telly. For those of you lucky enough to live in a world where Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson don't exist, Employee of the Month is a film that makes you wonder how in the name of Christ Hollywood hasn't been burned to the ground and the earth on which it stood salted. How bad is this movie?
If Employee of the Month was a drink it would be a pint of AIDS. If Employee of the Month was a weather front it would be a hurricane made from cancer. If Employee of the Month could be expressed in music it would be a Hannah Montana CD. If Employee of the Month was a meal it would be shit on toast with a piping hot cup of horse piss. If Employee of the Month was played on an airplane the passengers would storm the cockpit and force the pilots to fly into a mountain. If Employee of the Month was a person it would be a cross between Charles Manson, Dick Cheney, Margaret Thatcher, Stalin and Paula Deen.
Put it this way: if you gave me the choice of becoming English or watching Employee of the Month, I'd be wearing a white rugby jersey and singing "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" without a second thought. Yes - it's that bad.
DECEMBER 12
TODAY I was given a monopod by one of the photographers at work. I've been meaning to get one for a while but just haven't got around to it. My tripod - a SunPak 7500 Pro - weighs a ton so at least the monopod will be easier to lug around. I haven't attached the XT to it yet but I'll be giving it a go tomorrow after we visit Samy's Camera in Santa Ana for a remote flash cable.
SPOTTED on a neighbour's door tonight:
...what? And shit, I forgot the advent calendar!
DECEMBER 11
AS PROMISED, I got my arse in gear and here are the two missing advent calendar entries. Hooray for me! Ev was absent for both of these, leaving me to guess what they might be.
It's a snowman. Or a snowman's head. At the very least it's something snowmany.
A bloody aeroplane? On an advent calendar? Then again last year did provide us with an elephant so I guess anything's possible. That's Wednesday's door done, here's today's:
I'm guessing it could be Darth Vader but I'm going to be sensible and say it's a Christmas tree.
Nope, it's a bell. Although to be honest it looks more like a bell-end. So after three free guesses Ev is still winning by three points to one, and I only have 14 days to catch up.
DECEMBER 10
AS EV'S at work I'm having to play catchup with our advent calendar myself. So here's yesterday's.
I know! It's a rocketship! No, wait - it's a Christmas tree!
HE SHOOTS... HE SCORES! Ev 3, me 1. Tune in later to see today's piece.
DECEMBER 9
OLIVER POSTGATE, the man responsible for many of my favourite children's TV shows, died today aged 83. Postgate and longtime collaborator Peter Firmin's Smallfilms production company - which was based in a disused cowshed in Kent - made animated BBC classics The Clangers, Bagpuss and Ivor the Engine that even 40 years on are head and shoulders above today's shite. Here's the first episode of Ivor the Engine from 1975. There's more about him here.
DECEMBER 8: THE BEST VIDEO IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING EVER! OH, AND THE ADVENT CALENDAR
EV: "It's a bunny rabbit."
ME: "It's a snowman."
BOTH OF US: "Oh, tits." Ev 3, me 0.
DECEMBER 7
I SPOTTED my chance and dived in before Ev could speak. "It's a train!" I triumphantly announced, little knowing that my boyish enthusiasm and visions of finally scoring a point were soon to be crushed under a million tons of pure failure. Ev opted for a puppy because she's very obviously mad.
Once again the birds of harsh reality gathered in the sky, took aim, and shat on my newly-cleaned car of life. Although at least a train has wheels, unlike Ev's mutant puppy. Seven days in and Ev has three points to my inconsolable feelings of doom.
DECEMBER 6
THANKS to my ever-growing book collection (398 and counting - still pretty pathetic) I decided to make more space by clearing out our huge DVD collection. Even though we sold a load of movies last year we still had plenty left over. So I bought one of those CD folder things from Target and set about the enthralling task of removing the disc from each case and putting it in the folder.
Here's 208 movies in one convenient folder. I had to buy another one to get the rest in but on the upside I've freed loads of space in our IKEA shelving unit thingy for books. But enough about that - here's a double dose of delight!
May I present Friday's confectionary-based shenanigans? Ev was out with friends (unlike me she has a life) so I had to do this one alone. Depending on your point of view, the fact I didn't cheat is either a) remarkable or b) stupid. Anyway, I guessed this chunk of chocolate was a Christmas tree ornament.
As they say in the Eurovision Song Contest: NUL POINTS! I think it's supposed to be a jester, or possibly a medieval child molester. Maybe I should have cheated. The score remains 2-0 to Ev.
Here's today's. I went for a bauble and Ev guessed a candle.
She must be looking at these bloody things then re-sealing the little cardboard doors. Nothing else can explain her accuracy. It's now 3-0 to her and there's still 19 days to go, meaning I could be thoroughly humiliated by the time Pressie Day arrives on the 25th.
DECEMBER 5
I ACTED with calm during tonight's 5.5-magnitude earthquake. I held my ground as the the office building swayed around me. I used my superior interpersonal skills to quell my colleagues' mounting panic while at the same time ensuring nothing was broken or on fire. Then I called Ev to make sure she was OK.
Nah, I'm just kidding you. I was a screaming little bitch for the 2.3 seconds of the quake and for about five minutes afterwards. That was only my third quake and they've all been pretty small but I hate them. They scare the crap out of me. Know why? BECAUSE THE GROUND ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BASTARD MOVE.
The quake was centered in Ludlow, which is way out in the desert. And in today's world of usercentric media we were treated to a cavalcade of yokels calling the KTLA news show to share their experiences. It really was a stunning example of why the general public should be kept as far away from news gathering as possible.
DECEMBER 4
SO THE poor guy who was shot early this morning was a bloke me and Ev talked to at the pirate day back in June. He'd just moved into the apartment building next to ours. We got talking to him because Ev spotted his dog and, being Ev, had to go over and touch his nose (don't ask). It's a real tragedy and at the moment seems to be a random killing.
"Oo!" said Ev. "I know what this is - it's a star!"
Well congratulations, genius! The score is now 2-0 to Ev. Let's face it, I'm buggered.
BUT one area where I'm not losing is this year's Christmas pressies. For once I got my act together and have bought all of Ev's with 21 shopping days to go. Usually I'd be in Target on December 24 buying the first things I laid eyes on but this year I decided to act like a responsible adult (or, failing that, a semi-responsible chimp) and buy them before mindless panic set in.
AND speaking of semi-responsible chimps, here's one for all the Republicans. Enjoy!
IT'S STILL DECEMBER 3, ONLY LATER
We were both fairly clueless about this one until Ev declared it was a pressie. Convinced that she was right, I said the first thing that came into my head - a Christmas cake. I must need help.
But we're both wrong - it's a... well... what is it? The picture behind the box claims it's a candle, two leaves and a couple of baubles. To me it looks like an angel with big boobs. I must really need help. Anyway, day three of this year's calendar has come and passed and the score remains 1-0 to Ev. So there's still time for me to spectacularly blow it.
DECEMBER 3
SOME more photos from Ken:
I have to applaud his restraint - by now I'd have taken about 3,000 pics and be getting a bollocking from Ev for stopping every five minutes. Tune in later for the next thrilling installment of the 2008 advent calendar!
DECEMBER 2
FOR some inexplicable reason I thought this was a star. Ev guessed it might be a ball.
We're both wrong - it appears to be an angel in need of a tennis partner, so the score remains 1-0 to Ev. And after eating this piece of chocolate I've changed my mind about how good it is. Don't get me wrong, it's a gazillion times better than the brown shoe polish and wax concoction that passed for choccie in last year's calendar, but it does have an aftertaste that's very reminiscent of cardboard.
IT GOT foggy here the other night so I took some photos.
DECEMBER 1: TWENTY-FIVE DAYS OF EASY UPDATES BEGIN RIGHT NOW
WE'VE spent the past month trying to find an advent calendar as crappy as last year's but we just couldn't lay our hands on one. We tried the same Walgreen's where we found the 2007 calendar and sure enough they had one - the trouble was, it contained the same "chocolate" shapes even though the calendar's design was different. We kept searching and last weekend we found the one above and decided to give it a go. So now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, without further ado, here we go...
"It's a train or something," said Ev as I opened the door and took the photo. Thanks for giving me a chance to have a guess, love. And I like the "something" - that pretty much covers everything in the known universe, doesn't it?
Oh crap, she was right. The score stands at Ev 1, me 0. It's going to be a long December. And the choccy wasn't too bad.
IN OTHER news, our friends Ken and Becky are moving north to the state of Washington and are taking a four-day road trip to get there. These are some of the photos they've sent me so far:
I think these were taken up near Big Sur. It is sometimes difficult to remember that there are parts of California that haven't been buried under layers of concrete, McDonald's, Starbucks and bloody "freeways".
The trailer is 9½ feet wide and the roads are 10 feet wide which Ken says is making for interesting driving on the twists and turns of Pacific Coast Highway. I'd love to take the Mini up there at some point. As soon as I get more photos I'll post 'em up on here.
