AUGUST 28

EMRIC: A USER'S GUIDE

CONGRATULATIONS on your purchase of a 2005 model Emric. We at MutCo are sure you'll enjoy years of fun and frolics with your new acquisition. Below are some tips to ensure you get the best value out of your '05 Emric.

INTERACTING WITH YOUR EMRIC

Here are some useful phrases for communicating with your new Emric:

- Get out of the fridge.
- Don't puke there.
- Get out of the dishwasher.
- Shut up.
- Get out of the sink.
- Don't eat that.
- Stop it.
- Leave the rat alone.
- Get out of the bath.
- Get off the sofa.
- It's not for you.
- Get out of the way.
- Get off the toilet.
- Bugger off.
- Don't crap there.
- Stop chewing that.

FEEDING YOUR EMRIC

Emrics have very refined tastebuds and demand the highest quality foods. Below is a typical weekly menu, including substitutes.

MONDAY: Terrine of foie gras with citrus confiture Sauternes jelly and toasted brioche.

Substitute: Tin of minced horse in liquidised dog washed down with water from the toilet bowl.

TUESDAY: Fillet of wild salmon, celery tagliatelle, crab ravioli with aromatic herbs.

Substitute: Three-day-old pizza and milk that smells a bit funny but seems OK once the lumps have been strained out.

WEDNESDAY: Butter-poached Cornish lobster with new season almonds.

Substitute: Some fluff from under the sofa, a moth and whatever liquid is on the bathroom floor that morning.

THURSDAY: Oak-Smoked Scottish Salmon with Lemon Blinis.

Substitute: Hilary Duff's spleen and a bottle of 7-Up.

FRIDAY: Grilled Sirloin with "Pont Neuf" potatoes and Béarnaise Sauce.

Substitute: Kitty litter (faeces optional) and the last inch of tea from the cup you left in the bedroom last week.

BASIC FEATURES OF YOUR EMRIC

Unlike some previous MutCo models (such as the 2004 Madoc) your new Emric '05 comes complete with a personality. Those who already own an '04 Madoc may notice several new features. These may include:

A lack of cowardice: Unlike the '04 Madocs the new '05 Emrics come complete with testicles, meaning they're not liable to run like a girlie when a dog 300 miles away barks.

Greater intelligence: Several users reported that the '04 Madocs had a tendency to run into walls/doors/sofas/tables. The '05 Emric has been designed to know that it can't pass through solid matter, although it may occasionally attempt to get in the dishwasher.

Curiosity: Whereas the '04 Madocs were content to hide under a bed or sofa for 90% of the day, the new Emrics aren't afraid to explore their surroundings. Expect to find your Emric taking a great interest in its new home, especially the more dangerous areas such as ovens, waste-disposal units and electrical wires.

Improved communication system: The '05 Emric has been designed to be able to communicate its moods and needs better than previous models. At its most basic, this communication takes the form of purring, but noises resembling a chainsaw-wielding maniac eating the rotting heart of his last victim are also possible.

Extra-sensory perception: Emrics are now able to detect the opening of a can from up to three miles away. Some users have reported their Emrics being capable of detecting the opening of a can before it's actually been opened.

TROUBLESHOOTING

In the unlikely event that your Emric develops problems, follow the steps below:

Emric not moving: If your Emric has been stationary for a long time, chances are it's asleep. Emrics need time to recharge their batteries after a hard day spent chewing on speaker wires and chasing specks of dust. An easy way to check the Emric is merely sleeping as opposed to actually dead is to open a can of minced horse in liquidised dog within a three-mile radius of the motionless Emric. If it suddenly appears next to you as if teleported in, then the Emric was merely resting. If it remains motionless then it could well be dead and disposal in the nearest dumpster or storm drain is recommended.

Emric not eating: The Emric has died. Dispose of it in a dumpster or storm drain.

Emric not playing: Occasionally Emrics cease to take an interest in their surroundings. Below is a list of possible reasons for this with remedies:

- All available speaker wires have been thoroughly chewed. Install a new speaker system, leaving the wiring as exposed as possible.

- The dishwasher door is closed. Open immediately.

- Its dwelling is free of dust and moths. Cancel the cleaners and leave lights on all night with the windows open.

- Balls of paper have lost their novelty. Use bigger balls of paper, possibly in different colours. Or buy a proper cat toy, you cheapskate.

- It no longer likes to look in the toilet. Stop flushing toilet.

If none of the above remedies work and your Emric still has no interest in its surroundings, it may be dead. Dispose of it in a dumpster or storm drain.

We at MutCo hope these tips will help you get the most out of your Emric, at least until the time comes when it has to be disposed of in a dumpster or storm drain.

AUGUST 22

THERE'S six more entries up on the dictionary - guff, b'there, b'yer, blower, piece of piss and come and have a go if you think you're hard enough. So go and check it out.

AUGUST 20

I DON'T know what this bird is, but it was sitting on the fence out the back of our apartment for about four hours yesterday. It certainly scared the crap out of me at 8am when I went for my morning fag and cuppa.

THE cable modem woke up this morning so I've managed to upload all the Mut's Pix pages to a subdomain after the domain name expired. They're now here. Looking over them again, it's amazing how crap a lot of them are, which was down to the fact that I really didn't know what I was doing and the camera itself was a crappy one megapixel job. Still, have a look and a laugh.

AND there's another page of Emric pictures up here.

AUGUST 18

SORRY for the gap in updating, but my cable modem's knackered. Thanks for both the emails asking if I'd died. Things should be back to abnormality next week.