APRIL 28

A SQUILLION thanks to Flynn's transatlantic tech support for getting my PC going again after the hard drive took a dump last week. I owe him greatly, but contrary to his claims I don't owe him twenty quid from some mysterious trip to the pub in 1992.

I'VE put another page of pics up. These are photos that don't really fit on any particular page. You can see them here.

APRIL 20

IT CERTAINLY is educational going for a ciggie in Glendale. Tonight I'm standing outside the front entrance to our office at 8.30 when I hear a police PA telling someone to stop on Brand Boulevard, which runs at right-angles to our street. This crappy Japanese car with the bonnet held down by twine comes crawling around the corner with a Glendale PD car right behind it. The Jap car comes to a stop at the kerb and the copper pulls up behind her.

The policeman gets out and the woman driving the Jap car suddenly pulls forward 10 feet. The copper goes back to his car and pulls up behind her again, gets out and she suddenly drives another 10 feet so she's bang opposite me. The officer gets on the PA and yells "Lady! Stop the car NOW!" at her. So she does and pulls the handbrake up hard enough to snap it off.

The copper walks up to her window and asks for her licence, registration and insurance documents (you have to have these on you when you drive in CA). She starts bleating on about something - I couldn't hear what she was saying - and he asks her again. And again. After fumbling around in her purse she finally produces them and I start wishing I'd brought more than one Marlboro Light with me.

The officer asks Mrs I-Can't-Drive if she knows why he's pulled her over and she shakes her head. He tells her it was for an illegal U-turn and then informs her that he's been following her since the freeway exit. This means she's had a police car behind her with flashing lights and the PA going for about a mile and half and hasn't noticed. He takes her documents back to his car and starts to go through them and I suddenly realise my finger's about to be burnt by my ciggie, so I put it out (hoping the copper won't see me and do me for littering) and headed back inside.

APRIL 19

THIS ranks as one of the more interesting internal e-mails I've ever received:

Employee Bulletin

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Times Employees:

It is with great sadness and outrage that we report the senseless killing of Alejo Ortiz Amador, a single copy driver for a Times distributor. Mr. Amador was fatally shot early this morning while delivering The Times near the intersection of 95th and Main streets in south Los Angeles.

Our sincerest and deepest condolences go out to Mr. Amador's family. Mr. Amador, 56, had a long relationship with The Times, having worked as a Times employee for many years and more recently as an employee of one of our distributors.

A representative of Times management was on the scene of the shooting shortly after it occurred, offering support for both the family and the distributor. The Times is continuing to gather facts and fully supports the police investigation. In addition, The Times is reaching out to the family during this difficult time.

We will update you as pertinent information becomes available. For now, we will keep the Amador family in our thoughts and prayers.

APRIL 16

A COUPLE of weeks ago Mike had to head into Chinatown in LA to pick up an engagement ring for his girlfriend (she said yes, by the way). Never one to miss an excuse to put another page on the site, I took the camera along and the best pics are here.

APRIL 14

THE Joshua Tree pictures are up at last - it's only taken me a week to get my arse together and do them. And the dictionary has been updated again, with six more entries - "scally", "chair worrier", "twock", "twocker", "plank" and "long-haired abbo". I'm just too good to you.

APRIL 12

HOLLYWOOD strikes again. Apparently, the gurning twats responsible for such cinematic masterpieces as "Aliens v Predator" and "Crossroads" have taken one of the finest books in the English language, screwed it in the arse a few times and released the bastard offspring under the title "The Hitch-Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy". Yes, a film that hundreds of thousands of people have been waiting the best part of 26 years to see has been buggered more than a six-year-old at a Michael Jackson barbecue.

You can go here for a long review (10,000 words) which is full of spoilers of the good kind - i.e. they show exactly how the morons in charge of this production have shagged things so badly they may as well have had Hugh Grant and Britney Spears star in it. How in God's name can you POSSIBLY leave out the "Mostly Harmless" line? The Guide's entry on Babel fish? Ford turning into a penguin and Arthur losing his limbs? But they did. Oh yes, they did. The bastards.

There's an article in Variety magazine by some know-nothing called Adam Dawtrey. The piece is your general arse-kisser but there's one line that basically gives it away. "The 'Hitchhiker' book may be on the high school curriculum in Iceland but it isn't widely read in Idaho", says Mr Dawtrey. So there you have it - just because JoBob Potatoshagger hasn't heard of the Hitch-Hiker trilogy, everyone else has to suffer. Hollywood, I'm raising my middle finger to you. Spin on it, you bastards.

APRIL 11

AND now, a word from our sponsor:

The England rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Andy Robinson immediately suspended practice while police and forensic investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the try line. Practice was resumed after officers decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

Andy Robinson takes the England Team out for a training run and first up he tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion.

There are only two man-made things that can be seen with the naked eye from space. The first one is the Great Wall of China and the other is the gap in the England defence.

What's the difference between the England team and an arsonist? An arsonist wouldn't waste 17 matches.

Thanks to Blunty for sending those over. And on another note, the dictionary has been updated again, with "pie monster" and "who ate all the pies?" added to bring the total entries up to 446.

APRIL 7

THE dictionary's been updated again with "scrap" and "special relationship". That's 444 entries and still counting. Would it kill you bastards to actually read it??

APRIL 6

"YOUR mission, should you choose to accept it - and let's face facts, you've got no bloody choice - is to get home from work in under one hour. We know you do usually manage this, so we've arranged for some interesting diversions.

"Firstly, the offramp you usually take to get to the 5 will be blocked for roadworks. This will leave you wondering where the hell you're supposed to go once the 2 ends in a mile. We've also made sure your mobile is out of arm's reach meaning you have to hunt for it in order to phone Ev for help. When you do find it, we've mysteriously managed to lock the keypad, leaving you fumbling to unlock it as you come off the 2 into what appears to be downtown Basra.

"When you do finally manage to phone Ev, we've buggered up your connection on your home phone so it crackles. A lot. You'll then lose the call for Ev while sitting at a red light no knowing if you should go right or straight on. Once you manage to call her again it'll be too late to take the right turn, meaning you have to keep heading towards the land of doom that is downtown Los Angeles. Ev will attempt to get on Mapquest to find you a route home, but we've also arsed about with your internet connection so she can't. Of course, by the time you realise this it'll be too late anyway.

"You will no doubt spot the signs for Dodger Stadium, and this will trigger a vague memory about the time you and Mike were diverted off the 710 by an accident (and who do you think arranged that?). So you'll head towards it, still speaking to Ev on the moby while trying to negotiate the pot-holed shithole you're driving through and wondering when you'll next see a white person.

"We will allow you to reach the holy grail that is the 5 South, but you'll have to negotiate some pretty heavy traffic to get in the right lane. And we've arranged for an SUV-drving wanker to drive two feet behind you with every light on his cock-extending gas-guzzling Ford switched on full blast, just to make things more interesting. We've also mucked about with the roadsigns to make them more confusing. What's that? They're confusing enough already? OK, so apparently we didn't. But that's not to say we won't in the future.

"So you'll make it to the 5, and from there to it's only a mile or so to the 710. Usually this is the easy home straight for you - and if it wasn't for us, you'd be home by now - but see that truck ahead in the second lane? He's only doing 60 and we've told him to pull out in front of you as you come up to pass him at 85.

"And when you come off the 710 and think you're only 10 minutes from home, we've set up some roadworks so you'll have to divert into another shithole neighbourhood and make a right to get back on Ocean. No, not that right, that's a one-way street. Sorry the sign's not there, we can't imagine how that happened.

"By now you're probably in a bad mood and are chainsmoking like your Marlboros are going to rot. So we'll keep the last few surprises brief; all we'll say is fat pedestrians, police car, wiggaz and Ryan. Thanks for being so patient and we hope to see you again soon."